My last entry was dated May 2018. It’s shocking that I have passed on writing a new entry here for over 2 years. It truly does not feel like it has been that long. A lot has changed, and I’ve lived through various things. Recently the Coronavirus epidemic has put a new variety of fear and anxiety into my life. I cannot go into public without wearing a mask. I haven’t been to a restaurant in months. It took me a while to work up the nerve to go grocery shopping in person, so for a while I got all my groceries through delivery services, which of course cost a bit more. I quit my job after the stressful sickness and death of a loved one in mid-February, intending to focus 100% on my writing and self-improvement. But the virus derailed that plan a bit. The virus became a huge distraction and all my usual, but tiny, outlets for social interaction were eliminated. Of course I tried to call my parents every day and I had my boyfriend to talk to, but the total elimination of face-to-face contact did have an impact, as did the ability to go for walks or seek exercise at the gym or the park. Now I do go for walks but my overall fitness definitely took a hit. Some back pain I’ve been living with since an episode in January 2018 came back in a big way, though I cannot say for certain why. It helps to walk but I am nervous that I will be living with the pain for a long time, possibly forever. I read that Florence Nightingale suffered longterm spinal inflammation—I wonder if I could have the same condition and if there is any treatment I can do myself.

I am living in the same place. Some days the apartment feels just right, but other days it feel insufferably small, the neighbors too close, etc. I don’t fantasize as much about living a life of luxury in a big apartment in New York, but a small upgrade would be welcome. I’ve decided about 2000 sq ft with a basement and a small backyard would be just right. My place now is 1100 sq ft, though some of that is 2 rooms by the front and back stairways (and possibly the stairs themselves?) and a narrow side storage area formed when the main hallway was eliminated in favor of an open floor plan. If someone is watching TV or being noisy in the middle living room/kitchen you have 2 options for seeking/giving privacy: the front living/dining room, or the bedroom. It would be nice to have another room or two, for a dedicated office or a guest bedroom. It would be nice to have a full basement to myself to store and organize my extra stuff, holiday decorations, or set up some workout equipment. Maybe I could cycle out my furniture instead of having to decide between cramming every bit into my current space or parting with it. I’d like my own yard to plant what I want and sit outside with some measure of solitude. I also miss seeing wildlife. I used to see plenty of opossums and birds, but I am certain the neighborhood cats have eaten pretty much everything except the squirrels and bats, which I guess have hard-to-reach habitats or movements quick enough to avoid capture.

I have a definite love for my apartment. I’ve had the place almost 5 years now. It breaks my heart to imagine someone moving in after me and tearing up the pretty wood floors, replacing the old wood doors with cheap modern ones, or anything like that. But it’s irrational to want to hold on to something that isn’t serving me well. I don’t sing in the shower anymore or practice music when I want to because I don’t want to be a rude neighbor. I definitely don’t listen to loud music, or any music. I nearly always put headphones on. I get nervous even watching TV after 8 pm, turning the volume down so even I can barely hear it. I often speak in whispers and tip-toe around, though the floor boards squeak anyway. It is a ludicrous way to live in one’s own home. I feel like I am losing a part of myself—I think of how much I used to dance around and sing, and listen to loud music, and play awful sounding chords just for fun—now I don’t play any chords or listen to any music. When I do play music, on my headphones, I have a moment with myself of “remember this? we used to do this a lot.”

It’s that way with a lot of things, remember this? Remember actually reading the news instead of waiting for it to come through your social media feed? Remember actually reaching out to friends, searching for them, instead of waiting for the algorithm to serve it up to you (just for you to minimally interact or filter yourself because what if they interpret your comment negatively and you get a negative response)? Remember when I didn’t scroll through the endless content and comments of random people every day?

I’ve been reading/listening to various people’s thoughts on reducing social media consumption. One person mentioned “diminishing returns” which resonated with me because though I can see the value in social media there comes a point at which further time spent on it sees less and less value. But I think our brains disregard this, coming back for better and more interesting content, but the content we need to fill that void often isn’t there for me when I’m looking for it… which leads to a lot of scrolling. The scrolling is the biggest time waster and it’s a behavior that can extend to virtually any online application. But I think it’s worse the greater the “social” aspect is intertwined… like if there is a chance for someone to “like” your content or give you feedback. There are some platforms where this is possible but less likely or less central (like this one) so you can use the platform in a fundamentally different way… a more natural way. This should be leading up to me announcing that I am abandoning the problematic platforms… but I’ve tried before and I don’t know if I truly can. I always feel like I’m missing out, or attempting some sort of hermit-like behavior. I would have to replace the online interaction with some other kind of better interaction, else I’m just isolating myself. In today’s world of masks and interruptions to social activities (even tiny tiny ones), this is less straight forward… but even before the virus it was challenging arranging regular meaningful (positive) interactions. So much of our interactions are built around work and projects. It can be hard to persuade many people to meet without purpose or a common goal. Meeting just for the sake of meeting can often be seen as frivolous, something you do if you have nothing else more important to do… but I am seeing more and more how important meeting for the sake of meeting truly is. Not just for me, but others as well.

Those unproductive platforms also give you a false feeling of done-ness. You can post something short and sweet, completely void of meaningful info about you or anything else, hit send/post and feel like you really contributed ….something… like that little opinion you posted or the snapshot you posted is filling people in about what you’re doing or what you’re thinking. But is it really? And if it is, what was the result of someone taking in that information. What did your viewer/friend/audience do with that new info that you gave them? Much of the time, they don’t do anything with it… you’re lucky to get a “like,” very lucky to get actual written feedback. So many people are producing content, throwing it out into the world, and getting very little return, like talking to a wall or maybe talking to yourself in public and hopping a passerby hears you and says something back. And when you log off or stop posting… what then? The reactions usually stop. Back in reality, do the online connections help you? I know there are cases where online interaction really helps people…there have been times in my life where I was alone and online interactions provided me social interaction… but as I get older and the platforms mature it doesn’t feel the same way. I think there have been changes with me personally as well as the platforms themselves. I might be rambling. But these thoughts have led me to posting here again versus somewhere else where I might be forced to fit my words into a smaller space. I can honestly say here I doubt many people will ever read this, whereas other places the algorithm will serve them up to others right away… and they will quickly scroll past to get to something more interesting.

I have a very raw sense of the world passing me by. I grasp for quick fixes but there are none. So many things feel futile now, when they didn’t before. Things like giving my opinion… what’s the point in saying something nobody is asking for? Just keep scrolling and keep the thoughts to yourself. I remember reading about a guy who cut himself off from the world. He was rich enough to live in an isolated way and not worry about income. He didn’t read newspapers or magazines. He didn’t listen to the radio or watch TV. His friends knew not to mention current events around him. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be like that, but I guess it is a sort of luxury, to be able to isolate yourself comfortably, mind you he still had friends and people to talk to so it wasn’t absolute isolation. Alright now I think I’m rambling.

It’s depressing that with all this time at home that I haven’t become super productive. I think a lot of people felt this way because for a bit during lockdown I kept seeing online articles saying “Don’t feel bad about not being productive during lockdown” or whatever, because lockdown is stressful and and it’s normal to have trouble doing things under stressful situations. Which is valid. But the feeling remains. It’s just something else to blame my procrastination on. It seems like my entries here always find a way to complain about my own lack of production.