I set out with 16 Christmas cards and more than 16 addresses, mostly extended family. The list of addresses I have is from my graduation 6 years ago. I picked an obvious few to write first, but then realized I had no idea if the addresses were still current. Thinking about it a little bit, I figured it was less likely that these two particular aunts had moved in the last few years, so I kept going, finished their cards.

But when I went back to the list, the remaining addresses were all unsure. I have no idea how many are still valid. And some of them, I’m unsure if I want to send cards to because I am certain that they would never send a card to me. And that’s a lot of people to be unsure about. I would to think that perhaps I just need to go to bed. It is maybe a little late to be writing Christmas cards. But really sleep has nothing to do with it. I have absolutely no idea if any of these aunts or uncles, or any of the others still live at these addresses. There’s kind of a shameful aspect to it. That I talk so little to these people that I’m not even sure what town they live in. I guess when I was younger it was different somehow. There was always a time to look forward to—surely they would visit again, we would visit them, they would call, my parents would call… and I had the advantage of being much cuter, and I look forward to the future as a magical time when there would be loads of time for me to go forth as an adult and spend lots of quality time with my aunts and uncles, when I could ask them to tell me crazy stories about their young years before I was alive.

But I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. And meanwhile, I have all these addresses and a surplus of Christmas cards.